


Sometimes to stay alive you gotta kill your mind

by Llama363



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, M/M, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-12-29
Updated: 2016-06-26
Packaged: 2018-05-10 03:27:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,774
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5569141
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Llama363/pseuds/Llama363
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tyler doesn't know how to help Josh, and Josh can't hold on much longer.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. 01

Tyler always worries about Josh. That’s just what he does. This is different though. He can tell that something is wrong with his best friend and he doesn’t know what. It won’t help that Josh will barely look him in the eye this past week, let alone open up to him about whatever the hell is going on. Tyler needs to figure out how to help him though, or he is going to go insane. He tries to think of anything he might have done to upset Josh as he heads to school that morning. He finally decides that he is just going to confront Josh and force him to spill whatever is going on. They don’t have class together until second period though, so Tyler spends all of his US history class preoccupied with thoughts of his friend. 

Tyler arrives to Spanish just as the bell rings, however, and resigns to the fact that he will have to wait until after class again. “Hey man,” he utters his usual greeting as he slides into his seat to Josh’s right. A slight nod and sound of acknowledgement is all Josh gives him before the teacher starts the days lesson. 

Halfway through class they are released to do some partner work and Tyler slides his desk right next to Josh’s so they can get the assignment done. Until now Josh had kept his face hidden under the brim of his hat but when Tyler looks at him he can see that Josh hasn’t slept in at least 24 hours. 

“Dude, you look like death. Are you sick or something? I know you’ve been out of it lately but I’m really worried about you,” Tyler says in a hushed but serious voice as he abandons his plan to wait until later. It’s breaking him to see Josh like this. 

“It’s nothing, Tyler. I’m just a bit tired, that’s all.” Josh’s reply is one Tyler has heard many times before and he can see in the eyes of the boy across from him that it is a lie. 

“Josh, you are not okay. That’s clear as day. The thing I can’t figure out is why you won’t tell me what’s going on! We’re best friends man. We’ve always told eachother everything.” Tyler’s voice gets quiet with his last sentence and Josh can see that he is hurting. Not in the same way though. 

Immediately the guilt of knowing he is hurting Tyler by keeping things from him makes Josh want to tell him everything. Makes him want to give up and give in. He can’t though. Josh looks down at the papers in front of him but doesn’t bother reading anything. After of a few minutes of waiting in silence Tyler slides his desk back to it’s original position and they both wait the rest of the class out in silence. 

As soon as the signal for the end of class rings out Josh is up and out the door. Tyler almost feels guilty, he doesn’t want Josh to think think that he is mad at him, he just wants to help.


	2. 02

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tyler tries to reach out

How Tyler manages to get through his third period, he’ll never know but somehow he enters his next class, almost hesitantly, and sighs. He’s not sure if Josh is still going to be upset about him pushing for answers earlier. Josh isn’t there when Tyler arrives, which is perfectly normal seeing as his last class is further away, but when he hasn’t showed by the time class starts he really starts to worry. Did he leave? Is Josh sick? Hurt? Is he really mad at Tyler? His mind starts racing as he begins to panic. He pulls his phone out and sends Josh a text to ask if he left.

Tyler: Hey man, where r u? I hope ur okay and I didn’t mean to upset u earlier if that’s why ur not here.

By the end of 5th hour Tyler still hasn’t seen or heard from Josh, so he resigns to going to his house once school is over. He doesn’t care if Josh wants to be alone, he can’t sit around not knowing. It’ll kill him. 

He swears this is the longest Geometry has ever lasted, but finally the bell rings. He lets out the breath he didn’t realize he was holding as he leaves the building headed towards his car. He glances at his phone hoping to see a message from Josh but is disappointed to see nothing. It’s about a 10 minute drive to Josh’s house and by the end of it Tyler is nervous as hell. What if Josh really doesn’t want to see him? What if he yells at Tyler to get out? What if he won’t even talk to him? His resolution from earlier that day begins to crumble as he gets out of his car, but he walks up to the front door anyways. 

Tyler is at Josh’s house so often he doesn’t ever knock anymore. Today though, he almost feels like he should. He doesn’t though because he doesn’t want to give Josh the chance to not let him in. As soon as the door is open Tyler can hear the sound of Josh on his drums. The beat is loud and frantic, sitting heavy in Tyler’s chest as he stops to listen for a minute. Watching Josh play his drums has always been one of Tyler’s favorite things to do, although he’ll never admit it. The stairs leading to the basement creak beneath his feet but the drums drown out the noise as he descends. 

When Josh comes into view Tyler stops and just watches for a minute. Josh is shirtless and sweating and so into what he’s drumming that he is completely unaware of Tyler’s presence. The look on Josh’s face is peaceful. Comfortable. That’s what drumming is for Josh, a place where he knows what he’s doing. And he’s damn good at it too. Tyler’s always wondered why he doesn’t join a band, but Josh says he just hasn’t found the right people yet. 

Whatever new song Josh has been playing these past few minutes comes to an end and he looks away from his drum kit for the first time since Tyler arrived. They make eye contact and the surprise is Josh’s eyes reminds Tyler of how slightly creepy he must seem right now, watching his friend drum unannounced.   
“That sounded good, what song is it?” Tyler asks when he can’t find the right words to explain why he’s there. 

“It’s just a random beat, but Tyler, why are you here?” Josh replies. 

“I wanted to make sure you were okay. I was worried about you when you just kind of disappeared. And you didn’t answer any of my texts,” Tyler lets some of his hurt and worry show as he speaks. “I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable or anything earlier, I just really care about you. I want you to be able to talk to me about stuff man.” Tyler steps closer to Josh and rests his hand on the other’s arm briefly. 

Josh’s hand runs down his face before he lets his eyes meet Tyler’s. “I want to Ty, but I can’t. I don’t have the words-” Tyler can see Josh breaking in front of him, “-and I don’t want to hurt you, too.”

“Josh, whatever it is, I want to help you.” The honesty in Tyler’s eyes makes Josh want to tell him about everything, from the blades hidden in his dresser drawer to how Josh really feels about him. How he can’t stop thinking about him and his laugh and his smile and how he makes Josh’s heart beat faster just by being in the same room. How Josh has so many little lines littering his thighs and hips. How he’s just barely holding on. Instead he lies. 

“I know, Ty. I promise you I’ll try. I’ll try to let you help, but you have to give me time.” Josh know’s he doesn’t have time. Tyler, however, is unaware and counts this as a small victory as he smiles at his friend. Josh is so sorry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That you all for your kudos and such! I really hope you enjoy this and I promise it will pick up in the next chapter.


	3. 03

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tyler can sense something is wrong, he just doesn't know what.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I would like to start off by saying thank you for having patience, it's been months since I have updated this, instead of a week. I got really busy with school and being sick and work and everything, so I'm sorry this took so long. Everything is back to normal now though, so I will be updating more regularly. The story is going to start to pick up after this and the chapters should be longer, these first few have just been leading into it. Also, sorry this chapter kinda sucks, I couldn't really find a way to write it that I was satisfied with, but here it is.

Josh doesn’t know how long he has been sitting there, it seems like hours, maybe it has been. Or maybe it’s only been a few minutes. Just do it. You’ll be doing everyone a favor. You’re disgusting and you don’t deserve Tyler’s help. He will never love you, you’re only friends because he pities you. Just do it. 

“Please, leave me alone,” Josh pleads and breaks for the thousandth time, but he knows that it is useless. The voice never leaves. Briefly he wonders if he is actually crazy, before his thoughts return to what’s sitting in front of him. The yellow bathroom lights gleam dully off of the small piece of metal. Razors have become a familiar sight to him over the years, just not in the way they are familiar to most people. He picks it up and what has always felt so light in his hand suddenly feels hot and heavy. This time it’s not just his hips or thighs. Those are covered in scars, some old and faded, others new and pink, not quite healed. 

There is no noise as Josh throws the razor back on the counter and stand suddenly. He wants to leave. He needs. to leave. To not think about what he was about to do. He tries to step towards the bathroom door, but he can’t. Like a magnet, the pull of the small object makes him turn his head until his gaze finds it. Josh realizes that the voice has receded into silence and is baffled for a second, before he realizes it’s because the voice has succeeded. He is going to do it. 

Josh doesn’t have control of his body in the next few seconds. He isn’t there as his hands reach out and then move to his wrists. He watches from far away and wonders, wistfully, what it feels like. Then he is back and he is only the floor and he feels. He feels so much and it’s too much. Too fast. Not fast enough. He sinks to the floor of the bathroom as things start to go fuzzy. For once, Josh feels like he did something right. There’s no way someone can ruin this now, he’s gone too far. Faintly, in the back of his mind, he registers his phone buzzing in his pocket before he blacks out. 

 

Josh isn’t answering his texts, and Tyler is really starting to get worried now. After Tyler left Josh’s house earlier that day, he thought that maybe Josh might start to let him in. Let him help. Tyler rolls over in his bed to look at the clock and the glowing red numbers read 3:19am. It’s late and he knows that he needs to sleep, but he climbs out of bed and begins to get dressed anyways. Everything about Josh’s silence feels wrong. 

It’s not until Tyler is nearing Josh’s house that he starts to think about what’s he’s doing. That it is now 3:26am and what he is doing is crazy. Tyler feels a little ridiculous as Josh’s house comes into sight and he considers just going home, giving Josh the space he says he needs, but he just can’t. He knows that something just is not right, and that he won’t be able to get his mind off of it. Tyler rounds Josh’s house and retrieves the spare key from the potted plant by the back door. Once the door is open he slips inside easily and does his best to stay quiet as he sneaks up the steps to Josh’s room. 

The closet light is already on and shines weakly into the room, revealing that Josh is nowhere to be seen. Tyler does a quick pat-down of the bed just to make sure, and then sits. He pulls his phone out of his pocket to check the time again and make sure he didn’t somehow miss anything from Josh on the way over here. When he sees that there are no new texts, he decides to check the bathroom next to Josh’s room and then go look downstairs, he hadn’t even looked around after all, maybe he slipped right past Josh on his way up here. 

When Tyler sees that the door is closed with the light coming through the crack below the door, he starts to feel on edge. Something isn’t right, this isn’t right. He doesn’t bother knocking on the door because somehow, he knows whoever is on the other side can’t answer. Tyler can’t breathe as the door pushes open and he has 911 dialed before his knees hit the floor. 

Josh. He found Josh.


	4. 04

Tyler can’t breathe and there is a voice in his ear. It’s calm and it’s telling him to calm down, to breathe, even though he can’t. Suddenly he realizes that he is not the only one in the house and yells. He needs help. The ambulance is on it’s way, but Josh is bleeding and Tyler has no idea how long he has been there, although the massive amount of blood lets him know that’s it’s been too long. He has a towel around Josh’s arm but it has already gotten soaked and the blood in covering Tyler. It’s everywhere. Tyler doesn’t realize he is still yelling until he hears someone behind him scream. Whoever it was runs, presumably to wake the others. Tyler realizes that he needs to start moving, and pulls Josh into his lap. 

Then he hears sirens, and it’s only a minute until the paramedics are in the room, ushering Josh’s family out and trying to pry Tyler off of him. He can hear them talking, but has no idea what they’re saying. Josh is taken from him and everything is a blurr as he is put in the ambulance. Tyler almost loses it when they won’t let him ride with, but Josh’s mom pulls him away and loads him in the car with the rest of Josh’s siblings. Maddie is a hysteric mess next to him, and her sobs are the only thing registering in his mind on the hellish ride to the hospital. 

The ambulance had gotten there first, and Josh’s dad is waiting for them in lobby, since he rode with. At first a few members of hospital staff rush over to Tyler, thinking he is hurt do to the sheer amount of Josh’s blood on him. 

“Honey-” Josh’s mom starts after sending them away, but is cut off when Tyler speaks.

“im sorry. this is my fault. its all my fault. oh god, how did i let this happen?” Tyler’s voice is broken and it’s at that point when everyone looks over at him. It’s like he has become transparent, the way everyone can just tell what is going on in his head. How much he loves Josh, and how much he blames himself for this. Maddie walks over, still sobbing, and hugs Tyler, not even caring that she is getting covered in her brother’s blood. Not even wondering why she was at their house at 4 in the morning. Tyler’s arms hang limply for a minute before slowly coming up and returning the embrace. He can feel himself start to break, the cracks in his walls growing bigger. It starts with a small sob, almost a hiccup, but within seconds Tyler is cracked wide open, worse than Maddie was on the car ride. They stand there and Maddie loses track of for how long, but she doesn’t care. She knows that Tyler needs this, he needs to get this out, because as soon as he gets to see Josh, Tyler will become the rock he has always been for her brother, his grounding point. 

 

When Tyler begins to compose himself, he becomes aware of the fact that his mother is sitting with the rest of Josh’s family. They all have cups of coffee in their hands and fear in their faces. Tyler’s mom glances over and when she see’s him looking her way gets up with a bag in her free hand. She hands it to him and briefly rests her hand on his cheek, comforting him the way only the presence of your mother can. His mom had brought him clothes and a phone charger.   
It’s a few more hours before someone comes over to talk to Josh’s parents about how he is doing. Tyler can’t focus on anything as soon as he hears the words, “He’s alive.”


End file.
